My divorce happened suddenly and unexpectedly (to me) 12 years ago after 26 years of marriage. Median duration of second marriages: Males: 7.3 years Females: 6.8 years. He also says, Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Romans 12:19. Within the last year, I ended my 20-year marriage after slowly coming to the realization that it was a codependent relationship. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. Symptoms of divorce-related depression can include any, or a combination of, the following: Sudden loss of interest in things you once enjoyed Loss of appetite Increase in appetite Weight loss or gain Difficulty sleeping Excessive irritability Rage Sudden insomnia Increased fatigue Difficulty focusing or concentrating Difficulty making decisions You would not be providing a broken home to a child, youd be providing love and stability and a father. If left for another person, the pain is unbearable at times. My head knows the Lawsuit has no value. There's also the practical side of it. I thought is wasnt normal to still feel guilty 10 years later. I feel I was used long enough to help her get her Masters degree and pay bills then I was no longer needed. A fractured. Six years later I still grieve how my family was split up. Almost the minute he left I was being told to move on, make a life for myself etc. Done. Recognize this for what it is: A personal full-blown pity party. The relationship- no kids thank God was very sticky I was 21 when we met, he was 36. Life goes on and we have to make the very best of what we have, hard and all that it is. That morning somehow felt like a pivotal moment in my life. All we can do, those who still grieve, is to carry on, realise that we are not weird or silly for not getting over it, and that there are wonderful moments and times that we can enjoy. I feel like my life was a road that led to a sudden precipice that I could not see that I fell into it or perhaps I was pushed into it, by the man I loved more than any other and I am still falling. D. A. has written for print magazines and newspapers, and she is a regular contributor to Huffington Post Divorce, The Good Men Project, Read MoreFind me on Twitter. This surely helped me, & Im grateful for the article and comments; 12 years after my husband left me, a week before Christmas, & moved on with another woman, as if wed never had a life of 25 years. We had two teenagers a mortgage, a good life I thought. But thats good, hes learning from his father, its ok to feel certain emotions, no matter how much time has passed. That awful truth of divorce brings depression, devastation and a feeling of despair that we have never experienced and is hard to explain. And I can see now that my ex and I had probably wrung everything we could out of our marriage, so I try to be grateful for the opportunity to become my own person in a way I dont think I ever would have had he not ended things. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. "The narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside." - Sam Vaknin. He aluded to not being happy This is not the life I wanted etc. I received a summons to have my alimony modified. Ali, 40, and Justin, 40, announced their uncoupling in April 2022, but ahead of her new Netflix/A24 comedy series Beef and her upcoming summer tour, Ali told The Hollywood Reporter that she and . Still sometimes sad about not having the life I expected. They say it takes a year per year that you were married to heal. Ive been to so many different therapist I cant count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then its been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist its just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I dont trust any other woman ever again but its extremely lonely I dont get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I dont see them a lot some, Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that theyre trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just dont wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like Im a man without a country. I will give my daughter away to her man at the alter with trepidation and, as has been said, I will smile whilst enduring the pain of a family event without the man with whom I created her. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Dreams are broken but lives have to go on. My father died two weeks before she left . Deeply sad, and still in pain. I cannot be the women I was before, and I do not know who I am now. I feel so sad that we will never be a family and it must be awful for the kids but what can you do. I have really enjoyed reading everyones story and I realise now that I am very normal 10 years on. It doesnt mean I want to be with my ex again, it doesnt mean I want to go back, it just means the pain of the loss of all of it is still there. I once experienced a lady who was struggling with the pain of overcoming separation alone and when I purposed to hold her hand, she started relaxing, and within a short time, life to her became a joyous one. Needless to say, they do not see him and rarely communicate with him. I cannot deny that when I hear echoes of family jokes that trace back to my childrens early childhood, I flash immediately to other days. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. I have tried to date, but it never works out. He took the get out of parenting free card. Are men and women so different? I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. I will never finally get over it I suppose. It is best if the communication was limited on business issues only, for example, if the ex-spouse has a role to play in bringing up the children, then allow the communication to be focused solely on the child support. Along with the occasional look of, "Mhmm, sure.". Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, Love is not something outside us , but is our very essence. However, while you may expect to feel a bit sad about your ex moving on, you may be surprised or confused at the . However, in as much as the pain is there, its good to mourn but this should not take forever, one should get to know the way out and know how to get out of it, then move on. { He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. At the moment its him using we/our in his e-mails because I am having his sister to stay. I wanted to keep my family together but could not. Anger: Everything about your ex makes you angry. I wa interested in this website. The family I thought I had was broken by the man I gave my life to in marriage, nothing is ever the same again. As others have said, it gives voice to some of what I feel. I am fairly young (late-30s), and I still feel that I want children. So.i take some comfort from the fact that others feel this way as well. Oh, so difficult! This is the best article I have read on this topic. As for looking to a new love, I have no desire. Cheers to a better tomorrow! Why are you holding onto it? I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. Still, I can only imagine that he, too, senses the sorrow that is part of who I am. "name": "Is moving on after divorce hard? It doesnt undo the bittersweet clarity that when I look into my sons faces, I see my dad (long deceased) and my exs mother (whom I once loved), both of whom are no longer in my life. The hurt will never quite go away. College, med school, residency and air force payback and then he left us, filed while he was in another country. Coparenting is difficult. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. I am not sure of what to do. You can still love her without remaining in daily pain. Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. "text": "You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Yes, we have no choice but to keep on keeping on. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. I have adult children and yes, they have their own lives. Thank you for this article! Come discover on this free, award-winning website the two secrets 250,000 parents have used to save their money, make their own decisions, and create their better futures. Im still feeling the wound 36 years after the divorce. I used to pray (if you can consider chain smoking outside your apt. fatigue. This has sent me spiralling downward as this was something the ex an I had planned to doand spend summers with our grandchildren(eventually). You deserve to feel love and to love and be loved. I accept it. The dust never settles is an apt idiom for those of us who carry an unexplainable sadness deep down even though they have moved on. The community of comments was especially helpful in affirming that I am not unusual and that this is the reality of the human experience. Also missing were 3 life policies with cash surrender values and 2 annuities. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . March 2, 2023, 8:09 AM. He moved on quite quickly and as soon as got his girlfriend dropped our kids. Some people see divorce pain as phantom pain, conveniently forgetting it is pain nevertheless. This is no doubt an essential tool directly after infidelity has occurred, but it may be even important in dealing with infidelity years later. But, I was wrong. After 25 years of marriage, including couples therapy near the end, my husband left, already in a relationship with another woman. The chances of you still loving your ex-husband or wife even after a divorce are high; you lived with this person and might even have thought it would work out for the rest of your lives. You can be happy and sad at the same time after divorce because memories come and go without a warning. Maybe its her you shouldnt trust and other women, those whove not hurt you, you should give a chance. You arent able to create what society defines as a nuclear family but, if youre receptive, you are able to create a family any child, especially an orphan would love to be part of. Theres not a day that goes by that I dont feel terrible. 13+ years. He blamed me and said he had been unhappy for years. The sadness and hurt came subtly and hovered over me. house, kids, American Dream. Thank you for letting us with the dead dreams know were not alone on the days its sharp. I dont know if I have ever felt such an awful feeling of loss besides the death of my parents. I know it is possible to lose conscious contact with that inner peace and love, and I know how tempting it is to think that our love walked away when we parted ways with our dream mate - but if you perpetuate this delusion you cause yourself much more pain.One of the best tools for moving on and letting go of past traumas, regrets, losses and so on - is Meridian Tapping/EFT. I am with a wonderful man now and I am happy, and still sad too. Studies show that men feel empty, guilty, anxious, depressed, deep loss, and strong dependency needs of which they . I try to limit my public outbursts, but sometimes that's when the sad comes. I had so many changes to adjust to. Divorce happened the year after I had retired. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. We must live with the choices we made and carry on, I dont feel bitter just very sad x, Yes, that is exactly what we & countless others must do. Then the shoe dropped. Shared custody, full custody, whatever custody a parent is granted; theres a brokeness that will never be repaired. All rights reserved. Why rock my boat. Thanks agai, appreciate what youve written. Take care of yourself, try to make new friends, & live one day at a time. Sad. The story is almost the same, two wonderful boys and was married for 17 years. This article resonates every sentiment I feel. I had spent so many years waiting for the affair again shoe to drop but realized, it was not a concern anymore, the cheater was out of my life. You are welcome to reach out to me at, [emailprotected] Bless you! irritability. Esters comment summed it up beautifully. I have not been able to get over my pre-divorce delusion that our marriage was solid, and that he loved me deeply. Its like I never existed in her world. I wish for better days. He stopped speaking to me full stop. I still find myself falling into a funk in November and December, and then it takes all of January to get my feet back under me. I think this is going to be chance for me to finally heal and let go of him. Village historic. We just needed to voice our shared experience. I believe that all children need mothers and fathers in their lives. I never realized you could love to much. but I met her when I was 20 and she was 17 . Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it? I devoted my whole life to him and our 2 adult kids who blame me for everything and no longer speak with me but have welcome the child bride with open arms. No longer. Therefore, it is essential to keep a distance and think positive about yourself. 2. I do not miss him or want him back, I miss the shared life that we once had and the family and shared traditions that still happen and carry on with the person he left me for. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. The process of divorce brings forth a torrent of pain, anger and cruelty, the detritus of which still hangs over me like a cloud. We didnt have children but were together almost 20 years, and Ive been separated almost 8 years. Some people are never positive about their well-being. Yes, I am male. Hang on there, you are so precious to God, and there is not one moment whatsoever that He has not been by your side, He will carry you thru this. Most days I only want to lay around and play videogames. The final dagger was my grandparents will 23 years ago (which I had forgotten, never thinking anything like this would happen) giving me 20 acres of land in Indiana, inheritance is not included in divorce settlement. It's not a bad place to be. You need to get out of your head and into your life. At times one may not be the person who was intending to break the marriage, and if it came from your partner, then it becomes tough to overcome the grief, are you still in pain 10 years later? Helen, you need the help of a good therapist or divorce coach. Still, it hurts and is sad sometimes, even 12 years on, but now I know thats okay and Im not alone! Ray J . The article has been made in association with DivorceFiller the service for preparing divorce papers online. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. Believe me, God sees everything and He is a God of Justice, but His word says that we must forgive, not that they deserve it, but if and when we do, we start experiencing peace within us and start the process of healing. I became a shell of a person. Whether you're 32 years old or just 2, whether you're one-half of the once happily . I feel so sad for anyone in this position, and hope they get some relief in their situation. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . Remember that you can make it on your own, have a positive mindset and accept to move on. Divorce can be worse than dying. Thank you, Ms. Wolf, for expressing what I have been feeling. Im so glad to.have found this post and these comments. After a happy 28-year marriage, we're getting a divorce. I have tried counselling, forgiveness, keeping very busy, yoga and meditation anything and everything recommended, but I cant let go and have a constant deep sadness. I have spoken to a lawyer and have all the supporting information. People will go to a bar t drink overnight to forget the pains in them. I am not ready for such a step, nor do I believe I ever will be. Cant Get Your Ex Out Of Your Head? Grand children . Ive heard the lectures about moving on after divorce many times. Acceptance is the final stage of loss. it has been 5 years she is with no one and I am not eather . That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. I still wonder why he left, although the reality was that he lived a double life with me! My reservations with acting on adopting is that I would be exposing a child to a broken home. Its a terrible gnawing that can be pushed to the far back but doesnt seem to go away. After a breakup, I like most people, feel like a shell of a woman, with no hope for a better future. But the empty presence has never gone for me I was 51 when he left and I have no trust to even think of a new partner. Takeaway. You may find all the divorce lectures and traditional wisdom in adages like time heals all, may not fit your circumstances at all. I am so sickened by the whole thing, and so, so sad. And the Feelings Aren't What I Expected. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. I wished I had not been so trusting and in love 21 years ago. Im 10 years on 51 and theres a very deep profound sadnesshurt. Try to find joy in the fact that you have those feelings for her instead of focusing on the pain of losing her. I dont see them as often as Id like but when I do I enjoy every moment. But you have to stop punishing yourself and adding to the belief that you lost your one and only chance for true love. It truly has broken my heart. } Transformational Coaching and Psychotherapy, Benjamin Schwarcz, MFT, ACAP-EFT, Santa Rosa Psychotherapist and Coach, Psychedelic Somatic Interactional Psychotherapy, EFT Clinical Consultation for Health Professionals, Tapping Into Joy: Meridian Tapping and Mindfulness for Depression. Moving on after divorce certainly requires more than someones prescription." Some of the common signs of depression are mentioned in an article by psy.com. Do not bad mouth your partner to your children or your friends; this will only act as a catalyst to increase your anger. I have moved on and with a new partner. Best artical I have read on divorce. Just an occasional issue with finances. The anger caught me off guard today, for I thought my heart had healed; deep sadness can still come around, this time of year, and I am relieved to know it isnt uncommon. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. Ive remarried,but the grass is not greener over here.How I wish I could turn back time. I will search for a gentler and more compassionate website. Deep down, if she tried to come back, Id take her back. I did not handle the divorce well. I am not a bitter woman. And your words resonate. Clinging to the word of God is what is helping me go through all the pain and hurt. You may have realized this after ten years; there is no need to worry, accept and take the challenge and be assured that in a short while, and pain will be past tense. Perfectly said. I will care for her as long as I am physically able, but I am so sad that I have to go through this alone, and one day, she will pass away and I will be alone in my pain and sorrow at her passing. I take strange comfort in the fact that you still hurt 36 years after your divorce: I realise it sounds odd but the comfort is in knowing that Im not the only one who cannot move on as I was told to over and over again. No tool and not even with time repairs. Other people here have shown me that there is nothing wrong with the way I feel, and I cannot thank you all enough for that. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. He frankly pales in comparison but after all the lonely years and horrible men, I'm so grateful to have him. It is 14 years since he walked out on 30 years of being together, 29 of those married, and he is now married to the woman he had the affair with. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. I love how it allows us to feel and to be ok with the idea that we are sad despite our happiness. Now, as I hear my son tell me how her second marriage is deteriorating memories that I buried through hard work refresh themselves as if they are new. He sees them now as we live 5 minutes away. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. A divorce hangover is an ongoing connection with your ex-spouse or former life that keeps you agitated or depressed, unhappy, and stuck in the past. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. I encourage you, if you are not already doing so, to have those moments alone with Jesus, talk to Him, He is not only our healer but also Your friend that Loves you so dearly It hasnt been that long. Its been more than a dozen years, but the fact of my divorce, the speed with which the marriage unraveled, the ease with which my spouse moved on, the tumultuous aftermath that dragged on for a decade, the onslaught of related losses All of it still hurts. I wish him a happy life after all, if you truly love someone, you want them to be happy, even if it is not with you. According to multiple reports, the singer has requested to dismiss his divorce case against Princess. One of the most critical elements to healing is to spend time with people who will cheer you up, show you about positive things outside your broken marriage and work towards your healing. I have truly tried to find out who I am. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. My goals and dreams have suffered. I would have been able to still respect him. Why isnt that enough? But I try to be grateful for all they do for her they live in the same city as my daughter while I am out of state. She took the house, my business, my kids my heart and happiness. I still cry daily for my marriage but also as a single parent of an autistic son and tween girl life is tough. As others, I am so glad I found this article, and reading the comments I now realise I am not being stupid. Granted i have full custody of my two kids but whats broken can not be fixed with money or any tool in my tool box. I love being reminded that we can carry both happy and sad. The betrayal is devastating. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. "acceptedAnswer": { All you have to do is Be Still and trust in God, He will take care of the rest. If you can't see a therapist to talk to about your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. Am I happy where I am now, DEFINITELY. And heres an irony out of the blue, I checked an email account that I only check maybe 2X a year and my ex had emailed me I have not heard anything from him in over 10 years, I lived in the same city as him for 16 years and now? Don't Fight Your Feelings All of our emotions are given to us for a reason. My experience is the same as a husband. Then my dream ends, and I wake up crying. Ive been divorced many, many years, but it still hurts sometimes. The fact that she decided to blow me off and easily moved on to a wonderful life (without me) hurts a great deal. No tool and not even with time repairs. She is very busy socially and at work. Gradually, your feelings on loss will start to be replaced by new things to do, new people to meet and new places to go. You might feel disconnected or sad, even if you wanted the relationship to end. I guess Im the oldest divorcee here meaning my divorce was in 2003. I pray daily for all those who have been broken by betrayal and abandonment. As the years go by following my divorce, I often think that something is wrong with me because I still feel sad. They touched upon painful feelings, paranoia, debt, and loss of friends. Thank you for putting in words what so many people feel. 0. Apparently I get a F grade in moving on.. As I feel like I should be over it 6 years on but Im not. I hurt for my children and having to share new memories with her and that part makes me sad. I wish all who have experienced this, the best of strength and happiness. We were together about 12 yrs all together, until I was 30. And believe me, its been so hard and heartbreaking. Absolutely. Through much pain and even more growth, Ive built a wonderful new life for myself, but I still grieve sometimes for what was lost. Again if comforting to know that Im not alone in what I am still feeling . I am grateful that the man in my life sees my joy and hears my laughter; these are qualities in our life together that are our normal. (How great is that?) I tried dating at first to replace her and I could not I love her to much . AlternativeDepressionTherapy.com 2005-2023. Heres the thing, what hurts the most for me right now is still not having found another love. I agree with you so hard to find anyone that really understands the lingering pain while living in the present. I have a great relationship now and am engaged. Good behavior towards your ex will help you overcome the heartbroken experience that you have had all along for a long time. I cannot see me ever loving another man and would I find another at 62? I've done my best to move on, and finally now I'm in another wonderful relationship almost ten years later with a man who loves me as much and now I know how to be grateful but this man is not brilliant or wealthy or liberal like my ex.